First Christmas

This is my first Christmas without my dad.  He died in July after a long struggle with Parkinson's disease. He was 74.

I've been married for 15 years and have a 13-year-old son.  This is the 16th Christmas Eve night that I have not spent with my parents.  Yet here I am on my third cry of the day because my dad's not here.

I'm an only child, so Christmas Eve was always just the three of us.  Christmas Day was spent with extended family but the night before was ours alone.  After I stopped believing that a fat man in a red suit was scooting down our chimney, I became a pain in my mom's ass for a few years begging her to let me open gifts early.  Over the years, one gift on Christmas Eve eventually became all gifts in Christmas Eve, which was how my mother's family did it when she was a child.  We would put the PBS Yule Log on the TV in the other room so we could hear the music and I'd "play Santa" and hand out the gifts from under the tree.  It was always a special, cozy time that was all ours. 

I went away to grad school and later moved out to my own home, but I always came home for Christmas Eve. Just the 3 of us.  When I got married, of course, our tradition changed. I had my parents over for Christmas Eve dinner and we'd open gifts with my husband.  Our son was born right before our third Christmas and again our traditions changed. My son got older and my dad got sicker, traditions evolved.

Last year, as we had for the previous few years, we went to my parents' house on Christmas Eve and opened gifts. We were gone before dark to go to my sister-in-law's house. We came back the next day for my family's dinner (a late lunch, really) and then later had a dinnertime dinner with my husband's family.

That brings me to today.  I'm not thinking about the last 16 Christmases. I'm in tears over the 15-20 Christmases before that.  I'm crying over that special closeness that I haven't experienced the same way in years and suddenly I'm missing it like it was yesterday. My mom is home alone tonight on Christmas Eve.  I can't go to her house and "abandon" my family but she's not going to stay here overnight either. I saw her today and she's fine but I feel overwhelming guilt that I can't spread myself out and be everywhere at once.  And I am so, so sad that my dad isn't here anymore.  I've been so strong since July, telling myself my dad had really been gone for a long time (if you know Parkinson's, you know what I mean) and this was just his spirit leaving his traitorous body. But this is the first time that I've experienced something that I so closely associate with my dad and it's like he just died yesterday or is dead all over again.  I miss my dad.  Not the guy who he was the few years, but the guy I grew up with. And I find that I'm begging him to visit me tonight. In a dream.  I need him to come to me and hold me and tell me it will be OK.  That he's OK.  That mom will be OK.  That this will get easier. And I want to tell him again that I love him and I miss him. 

Going to hell in a handbasket

I'm at the boiling point.

20ish days until the presidential election and everything's haywire. This one's a liar, that one's a misogynist, blah blah blah. Just shut up already, you two!

I hate my boss. Been suffering about 2 years with him. I despise him with every fiber of my being. But I can't afford to quit and transfers at my level are very few and very far between. I just hope I don't crack before one of us gets out of there. (Retire already, you old coot!)

Then today I find out they're putting a department store virtually in my backyard. As if the traffic hasn't gotten bad enough in recent years!

So, yeah, a lot's sucking right now. My kid's healthy and doing OK (not great but OK) in school and his soccer team is undefeated for once. Baseball's a bummer but at least 1 of the 2 is going well. Although away games for both are a pain. Oh yeah, don't forget the new 23¢ per gallon gas tax coming on Nov. 1. That'll make all the driving around just a little more painful.

Yep. Everything officially sucks.

My thoughts while watching Outlander episode 209 “Je Suis Prest”

1. I love Fergus.  Loved him in the book.  Love him in the show.  One of Diana’s greatest characters. <3 font="">
2. I’ve missed Rupert’s voice so much!!! <3 font="">
3. Oh no!  Willie!  Oh… that’s all.  Whew! <3 font="">
4. Jamie is so pretty. <3 font="">
5. Love the way he says “’tis” like “tez.” <3 font="">
6. Drill Sergeant Murtagh.  Waiting for him to go all “There’s only 2 things that come from the Highlands: steers and …” on them.  
   
7. PTSD Flashback Claire 
8. Ooh.  Me likey the background mens choir singing.  <3 font="">
9. So, only 5 men in the Highlands know how to fight?
10. OMG someone else said JHRC
11. Hey, are you guys from Easy Company?  General Sink, Colonel Winter, Bill Guernere? 
    
12. Please flashback to the first time Jamie says “Je Suis Prest.”  Please, please, please.  Dammit.
    
13. Tell him what you’re thinking about, dummy!
14. Looks like the first day of band camp with a bunch of freshman.
15. Jamie’s rockin’ Brian’s leather coat. 
16. Is he going to yell FREEDOM!!! at the end of this speech?
    
17. Hills sounds like hells.  Cute.
18. OMG Dougal’s moobs are flopping.  Ew!!!!  
    
19. Don’t you guys know you’re supposed to use light blue war paint ala Mel Gibson?  
    
20. And clean that mud off yer face, uncle.  Ye look ridiculous, ye wee smout.
21. Better.  Now I can see my reflection in his shiny bald heid.
22. Claire’s goin’ Greek on Dougal!
23. LMAO!!!!  Fuck yourself.
24. What a beautiful place to set up camp and train. 
25. Hollow Claire
26. Ew nasty Angus toes!  Trench foot.  Knew it.  
    
27. We don’t want any Lt. Dan’s here!
    
28. Come on… Murtagh or Rupert to the rescue.  No?  OK.
29. Yay! Jamie looks tall for a change.
30. In-charge Jamie is hot!
31. Doh!  Dougie’s busted down to sentry duty.
32. Pukey passout Claire
33. Ambush!
34. And all the while Frank was in a comfy office.  Lame.
35. I have seen shit you 18^th century n00bs can never imagine.
36. Wow.  Jamie’s looking hot again.  This episode is chock full of Jamie hotness.
37. I can’t stay and I can’t go.  I’ll just stay here and be jittery.
38. A Dragonfly in Amber!
39. You’ll never be alone again… even if it means 20 years of misery with Dr. Boring.
40. Hmph.  Haven’t seen Jamie piss on a wall since early in Season 1.
41. Oh my.  Is this Not-Yet-Lord John Gray?  Not how I pictured it happening.  I pictured them in a forest.  
    
42. Oh yes please do the scene!  Go, Claire, go!
43. Lmao at the faces of the guys who don’t know what she’s up to.
44. Hahaha The looks between J&C!
45. Why not just call him John from the start?
46. Lol Claire is so good with her “acting.”  At least they didn’t bare her breast.
47. Oh, you’ll meet again.  And again and again.
48. This episode is so much better than the last one.
49. Show ‘em your nasty back.  6 lashes ain’t nothing.  Love taps compared to the damage wrought by BJR.
50. Nice war paint.
51. Jamie looks hot in war paint.  Murtagh just looks scary.  But Jamie reminds me of Mathias Nygard in full Turisas regalia.  
    
52. We be burnin’ yer wheelz.
53. I’ve burnt stuff.  I’m horny.  Let me get war paint on your face.
54. I like their rustic abode.  Too bad they have to leave it.
55. The singing sounds like Latin or Hebrew or Native American, not Gaelic.
56. Ooh.  Bigger camp.
57. How nice, throwing your dear uncle a bone.  Wait til he meets that fop.

Post episode:

1. Ron Moore is a good looking man.
2. I love you a lil bit too, Matt Roberts.       

My thoughts while watching Outlander episode 207 “Faith”

1. I will not cry. I will not cry.  I will not cry.
2. Brianna should sound more American, not British.  Or is that a snooty 1950s Boston aristocrat accent a la Charles Emerson Winchester III (M*A*S*H)?
3. Monsieur Forez was there? Time for a reread of DIA.
4. Wtf does a heron have to do with this?
5. 18th century private hospital room = bed with curtains
6. Oh, Cait, you are so good.
7. Mother Hildegarde named her?
8. Bouton rocks
9. Master Raymond looks like one of the sand people from Star Wars.
10. I like how they did the blue light. Less sci-fi than I pictured it in the book.
11. Yay! The blue aura = Madonna explanation.
12. Cat with 9 lives.  Cat o’ 9 tails.  What he whipped Jamie with.  Reference.
13. I know Claire’s going thru hell, but I’m still mad at her for being so pissed at Jamie. If only you knew what that monster did, Claire!
14. Oh, Fergus, you sweet boy, acting as protector, as Jamie’s proxy.
15. Suck it up, Suzette. Take a cue from Magnus.
16. I need a Fergus. (To go with the Murtagh that I also need.)
17. How emotionally draining was this on Cait? OMG
18. A child to comfort. Fergus you are so well placed.
19. Tell her, Fergus! I know it’s not how the book goes.
20. A talent for stealing. Lol
21. My stomach just flipped over.
22. Don’t show it. Please don’t show it.
23. Jamie to the rescue!
24. Go, Jamie, go! Kill!  Kill!  Kill!
25. I demand a duel?  Lame. Come on, Jamie.  Just kill him outright.
26. So now you know, Claire.
27. Mercurial.  Good word.
28. Damn! Mother Hildegarde is no shrinking violet.
29. The green dress!
30. The library. Also beautiful.
31. Claire’s thought bubble: My husband has seen you poop.
32. Hot chocolate, madame, before I take my pleasure with you in exchange for your husband’s freedom?
33. King Louis has piggy lips.
34. Don’t woo me, Louie. Just get it over with.
35. Your brown hairline is showing. Fix your wig.
36. He’s icky but it could be worse. It could be Prince Charlie.
37. Nice room. You’re still icky.
38. Claire’s thought bubble: A witch trial again? Wtf, 18th century?  W.T.F.
39. Comte doesn’t look smug for a change. I like it.
40. I’m sorry I tried to kill you.  Twice.  Please spare my life.  Oh, goddamit.
41. Oh, Claire. You must be loving this.
42. Thank you, Jamie, for making me La Dame Blanche. Power!
43. Oh, hey, wait. The comte speaks English.
44. King hands!
45. Comte no likey snakes.
46. Forez’s face is perfect! Lol  He looks like Little Steven (VanZandt) as Silvio in The Sopranos.  Always scowling.
47. Be not afraid, Raymond. You know it’s gonna suck but you won’t die.
48. Love, love, love that she gave it to Raymond first so the comte could watch.
49. How did it change color?!
50. Oh, Raymond. Very nice.
51. “Oh well.” That’s all you can come up with?
52. Good acting, Comte. Love the tears.
53. King Louis thought bubble: Please do not soil The King’s floor as you expire, Comte.
54. King hands!
55. Another Wizard of Oz reference!!
56. Oh, hello, King. I’d hoped you were done with me.
57. Death arouses The King.
58. The King is a 3 pump chump. Lol
59. Claire’s thought bubble: OK. That wasn’t too bad.  Quick and easy.
60. King hands say: I’m done. You may go now.
61. Alrighty then. I’ll just take my orange because I don’t want to get scurvy, and leave.
62. Jamie’s home!
63. Jamie needs a bath and a laundress.
64. Black mourning gown?
65. Jamie sounded 100 years old just now. Like he hadn’t spoken at all in the Bastille.
66. Holy raggedy beard, Batman!
67. Sorry.  You’ve been through a lot but you must see why Jamie fought BJR.  Forgive, eh?
68. Shouldn’t Faith be smaller? I thought she was only 20-something weeks.
69. Her eyes were slanted a bit, like yours. In the book.
70. I think if I was going to cry, it would be now. I’m not.  I’m safe.
71. Hey, Louise. What’s shakin’?
72. The shallow bitch does indeed have a heart and is a good friend.
73. No, you can’t put your filthy, shallow, Prince-fucking, whore hands on my precious angel.
74. Oh, I see the red hair! Awww!
75. I love that Louise and Mother handled her like a live baby. Very nice.
76. Again, Cait. You are a gem.  Such acting.
77. Jamie looks thin.
78. Um, Claire, you know the duel didn’t cause your miscarriage, right?
79. It’s not your fault either, Claire.
80. The forgiveness line from the creek again!
81. You told him about the king.  Flat out.  Like that.  You’re a cold bitch.
82. Claire, honey. Nice, clean 3 pump chump is nothing compared to what Jamie endured for you.
83. Together.
84. Yeah, Claire. People didn’t get divorced in 1740-something.
85. Yay! Home to Scotland!  Totally worth fucking the king.
86. But you can’t have 11 apostle spoons! You’ve messed up the set!
87. Still no tears from me. Either I’m a cold-hearted bitch or you’re all wusses.

 Next week…

1. Oh, hey, Jenny.
2. Now my grandpa wants to fuck my wife.  WTF, people?  I know she’s hot but come on already!

My thoughts while watching Outlander episode 201

1. Shouldn't she be more pregnant?
2. I like what they did with the theme song.
3. Die, Frank!  Die!
4. Loving her bitchiness, ignoring Frank
5. Good.  She sees the BJR in him.
6. Yay!  Rev W.  Such a kindly man.
7. And Mrs Graham. Kindly woman.
8. Love Claire’s vocab. lol
9. Omg I love Mrs G.  For believing Claire.
10. Love the pale faces and colors. Or lack thereof.
11. Claire's thought bubble:  You are SO not Jamie.
12. Ok.. maybe Frank's not so bad. Just boring old Frank.
13. I like him much more as Frank than as BJR.
14. Ew. Tobias has British teeth. Gross.
15. P-p-p-pregnant. Yeah, Frankie boy.  Whoops. There goes your inner BJR.
16. Ok. Tobias is a good actor. Still think he's unattractive. And Frank's boring. And BJR… of course.
17. Didn't men have any different clothes in the 40s besides 3 piece suits?
18. WEE ROGER!!!!
19. 2 years. I thought she was gone 3.
20. Flog.
21. Were Claire/Cait’s eyebrows always so sparse?
22. Cait, you're breaking my heart.
23. Leave the past behind. Now I have the Fates Warning song in my head.
24. Don't you dare take off Jamie's ring!
25. What's the other ring?
26. Burning it?!  It should be in a museum!
27. Pan Am
28. Skyscrapers
29. Oh thank god we're back to Jamie.
30. And Claire's happy
31. Lol but not Murtagh.
32. Poor PTSD Jamie.
33. “Fronce.”  British accents are silly.
34. Omg he's so cute. Frank is such a stuffy old man in comparison.
35. Indeed. What the hell ARE you going to tell Murtagh?
36. Perceptive Murtagh.
37. Mmmmm Jamie hair.
38. Those back scars sure come in handy.
39. Oh Jamie, my lad, you are a wheeler dealer.
40. Oh no. Here comes small pox dude.
41. The comte’s face looks fake.
42. Our Claire. Speaking the truth and making enemies everywhere she goes.

Do You Believe In Miracles?!

I'm not much into sports but this moment, this game, this team holds a special place in my cold, black heart. Greatest sports moment EVER!
#TeamUSA #USAhockey #MiracleOnIce #DoYouBelieveInMiracles

http://www.latimes.com/sports/sportsnow/la-sp-sn-miracle-on-ice-20160222-story.html

Marvelous, Magical Maternity Mesh Unmentionables

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/the-secret-magical-underw_b_9257974.html?ir=Good+News§ion=us_good-news&

Bernie Sanders a Bum Who Didn’t Earn His First Steady Paycheck Until Age 40 Then Wormed His Way Into Politics

http://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2016/02/bernie-sanders-a-bum-who-didnt-earn-his-first-paycheck-until-age-40/

Remembering My Mother, My Lifeline

http://www.scarymommy.com/motherless-daughter/?utm_source=FB

Stop Humiliating Teachers

http://www.newyorker.com/culture/cultural-comment/stop-humiliating-teachers

Outlander Stars Reveal What's New in Season 2

I love these two together even when they're not Jamie and Claire. When Sam spoke, Cait looked at him and politely paid attention to what he was saying and then he did the same for her. Can't help but love them!

And they're both nice to look at.  ;)wink emoticon Love her dress.