I found out yesterday that a high school classmate of mine committed suicide. I knew that she had died 4 months ago but this was the first I heard the cause of death. I should explain that I was not friends with her -- now or then. In high school, I thought she was a bit of a stuck-up bitch but I was friends with her twin sister so we sort of knew each other. In later years, she became my best friend's hair stylist and I was surprised when my friend said how nice she was. I figure that people can change, especially between high school and the real world. In high school, it's all about looking cool and who's friends with whom and all that crap that drives kids insane (sometimes literally). Still, it came as a shock that the "popular girl" would do such a thing.
Yeah, yeah, a lot can change in one's life in 20-odd years but hers seemed to be, if anything, better. How do I know? Her Facebook page. Of course, when I heard she died and her name kept showing up with an auto-link to her profile, curiosity got me. Married 20 years, 2 beautiful teenage kids, a steady job for many years, plus the hair styling gig on the side. She had perhaps put on a smidge of weight but by our early 40s, most women have. She was still pretty. She had her twin and their older sister and their families in her life. One niece in particular seemed especially close to her.
Four months ago, I looked at her page and that's what I saw. Successful in work and in life. Surrounded by a loving family. I read the posts on her wall. There weren't a whole lot from before she died but there were a ton after. (Somewhat odd, btw, that people would write on the FB wall of a dead person who won't see it.) Her husband, son, and daughter posted a lot. Her husband and son openly admitted that they couldn't stop crying. Everyone said they missed her terribly. Her sisters wrote on her wall as well. Her twin said that she felt like half her heart was missing. Her nephews and nieces, especially the one niece in particular, wrote also. Her best friend wrote a lot, too. It was very obvious that these people really and truly love/loved her. Suicide crossed my mind as a possible cause of death but it's such an ugly thing that I preferred to think she'd had a sudden heart attack or fast-moving infection or just something unexpected and unavoidable.
I looked at her profile again yesterday with the new knowledge of her cause of death in mind. There were a lot more posts from her family and best friend. Each holiday and month that passed brought on posts about wishing she was there and what she and they would've been doing. Mother's Day passed without her. The niece fretted about her first ever haircut by someone other than her beloved aunt. The daughter went to the junior prom without her mother to see her looking so beautiful. Her son went back to college for the fall semester. Her husband was still posting quite often and does not seem to be coping well. There is no doubt in my mind that she had a wonderful, loving support system.
Then I looked at her pictures again and I noticed something. Her face. Her expression, or lack thereof. In older pics from years ago, she was animated, smiling, laughing. In more recent ones, she looked stiff. Posed. The smiles were those "smile for the camera" smiles that never look real. In one pic with her husband and kids, she was standing on the end with her hands flat against her pants like you see kids in elementary school class photos. Something was wrong there. She was not happy. It's interesting how perspective and perception change when armed with a little new information. Maybe all was not right with her family. Maybe she was hiding an addiction. Maybe something terrible had happened and she couldn't live with it. Maybe (and I'm going to go with this one) she was suffering from clinical depression.
The greatest support system in the world can't help a person whose brain is fighting against them. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. All the sunny days, smiling faces, chocolate cake, and funny movies in the world mean nothing to someone with clinical depression. Logically, the person may know what's going on and that it's not as bad as it seems but it's still nearly impossible to pull oneself out of that deep, deep hole the brain has dug and thrown you down. So I wonder, did she not seek help? Did she not get good help? Was she on the wrong medications? Did they make her worse instead of better? The questions go on and on in my mind. I don't know the answers and I sure as hell am never going to ask them of her sister. Even the sister may not know what was going on. She clearly did not know the situation was this dire. I can only hope that now she has found peace and that her family can heal a little bit more each day.
RIP Lori
