Vertigo

Have you ever felt like your head was about to explode and you kind of wish it would to put you out of your misery?

I've had vertigo for the past 9-10 days and it's driving me bonkers.  I'm on meclizine but it doesn't seem to be helping.  I wake up each morning feeling normal but as the day goes on and I move around, the dizziness returns.

I've mostly been watching movies and sleeping throughout "winter break" (my son's... I don't get one) and it's really bumming me out that this week+ was wasted.  I can't do much housework because most housework involves bending, lifting, reaching, stretching, and spinning.  Lots of spinning.  Think about cooking a meal... now think about how many times you turn around.  Same for laundry -- from bending over to sort it to spinning around to take clean items from the basket and put them in their proper place.  I haven't really been able to go anywhere because driving makes me a bit dizzy.  That's not a good way to be when you're driving.  I can't read because the back and forth eye motion makes me dizzy.  I can't do anything for work that involves comparing 2 documents (which is what I've been doing a helluva lot of the past several weeks at work) because of the left to right and back eye motion.  So basically, I'm screwed.  I'm tired of sitting in the house through all these days off but when I get to work, I'm a wreck and dreading driving home all dizzy.

To top it off, my son is now 13.  Sitting around in the house a year or two ago wouldn't have been bad because he'd hang out with me but now?  Pfft!  If he's not out with his friends or begging to go out with his friends, he's in the basement playing video games with his friends remotely!  If not that, then he's talking to them or FaceTiming them or group chatting with them.  My baby's growing up and leaving me in the dust.  With my husband.

My husband, who I haven't spent time alone with in 13 years.  Last night was our first New Year's Eve without The Boy.  You'd think we'd be thrilled.  Instead it was like "what the hell are we going to do for the next 5 hours waiting for this stupid ball to drop?"  We ate our traditional NYE meal of appetizers and snacks.  We watched a couple movies we wouldn't have watched with The Boy home.  (Settle down.  It was just Neighbors (Seth Rogen, Zac Efron) and Deadpool.  Nothing racy.)  Anyway, it made me realize that this is now my life.  My son is going to grow farther and farther away from us and it's just going to be the two of us alone.  We're not the people we were when we got married 15 years ago.  All these years of marriage and parenthood and life have changed us.  We're older and achier and crankier and I'm terrified of spending the rest of my life with just him.

Yep.  There, I said it.  Just thinking about it makes me lonely.  I'm married to a guy who is content to sit on the couch all weekend watching one sport after another, barely grunting at me in between.  I want to travel and see the world, or at least leave the house for more than an hour or two at a pop.  And this is who I'm stuck with for the rest of my life.  My dad is gone.  My mom is 82.  She won't be around forever.  I have no siblings.  I have no best friend (because I'm an adult and do adults really have best friends???).  Even if I did have a "bestie" would I be able to go globetrotting with her without my husband wondering what trouble we could be getting into?

So here I am.  Day One of the new year.  Dizzy, depressed (that's a whole other story for another time), and dreading the future.  Happy 2017.