Vertigo

Have you ever felt like your head was about to explode and you kind of wish it would to put you out of your misery?

I've had vertigo for the past 9-10 days and it's driving me bonkers.  I'm on meclizine but it doesn't seem to be helping.  I wake up each morning feeling normal but as the day goes on and I move around, the dizziness returns.

I've mostly been watching movies and sleeping throughout "winter break" (my son's... I don't get one) and it's really bumming me out that this week+ was wasted.  I can't do much housework because most housework involves bending, lifting, reaching, stretching, and spinning.  Lots of spinning.  Think about cooking a meal... now think about how many times you turn around.  Same for laundry -- from bending over to sort it to spinning around to take clean items from the basket and put them in their proper place.  I haven't really been able to go anywhere because driving makes me a bit dizzy.  That's not a good way to be when you're driving.  I can't read because the back and forth eye motion makes me dizzy.  I can't do anything for work that involves comparing 2 documents (which is what I've been doing a helluva lot of the past several weeks at work) because of the left to right and back eye motion.  So basically, I'm screwed.  I'm tired of sitting in the house through all these days off but when I get to work, I'm a wreck and dreading driving home all dizzy.

To top it off, my son is now 13.  Sitting around in the house a year or two ago wouldn't have been bad because he'd hang out with me but now?  Pfft!  If he's not out with his friends or begging to go out with his friends, he's in the basement playing video games with his friends remotely!  If not that, then he's talking to them or FaceTiming them or group chatting with them.  My baby's growing up and leaving me in the dust.  With my husband.

My husband, who I haven't spent time alone with in 13 years.  Last night was our first New Year's Eve without The Boy.  You'd think we'd be thrilled.  Instead it was like "what the hell are we going to do for the next 5 hours waiting for this stupid ball to drop?"  We ate our traditional NYE meal of appetizers and snacks.  We watched a couple movies we wouldn't have watched with The Boy home.  (Settle down.  It was just Neighbors (Seth Rogen, Zac Efron) and Deadpool.  Nothing racy.)  Anyway, it made me realize that this is now my life.  My son is going to grow farther and farther away from us and it's just going to be the two of us alone.  We're not the people we were when we got married 15 years ago.  All these years of marriage and parenthood and life have changed us.  We're older and achier and crankier and I'm terrified of spending the rest of my life with just him.

Yep.  There, I said it.  Just thinking about it makes me lonely.  I'm married to a guy who is content to sit on the couch all weekend watching one sport after another, barely grunting at me in between.  I want to travel and see the world, or at least leave the house for more than an hour or two at a pop.  And this is who I'm stuck with for the rest of my life.  My dad is gone.  My mom is 82.  She won't be around forever.  I have no siblings.  I have no best friend (because I'm an adult and do adults really have best friends???).  Even if I did have a "bestie" would I be able to go globetrotting with her without my husband wondering what trouble we could be getting into?

So here I am.  Day One of the new year.  Dizzy, depressed (that's a whole other story for another time), and dreading the future.  Happy 2017.

I saved someone's life today

It's been 12 hours and it's still very much at the forefront of my mind.

At about 10 a.m., I was leaving my office to go to a meeting when I passed my coworker Joe* who said, "I can't find Al.  He's not here.  He didn't call out and he's not answering calls or texts."  Joe is Al's supervisor and the three of us have worked together for about 18 years.  Al has never not shown up for work without checking in.  Not once.  Never.  Al also lives alone.  His only family is out west.  And his father died 8 months ago.  Al's been depressed and visibly losing weight since then.  My mind zoomed through possible scenarios but one featured prominently at the top:  suicide.

I had to get to my meeting so I told Joe to keep trying to get a hold of him and keep me posted.  At about 11:30, I was still in the meeting when Joe texted me.
Joe:  Still nothing.  Sally has old contact numbers.  Tim worried also.  Do u remember how to get there?  (Sally is our group's secretary and Tim is our director. We'd been to Al's house 8 months ago for his father's shiva.)
Joe:  (gives me the address)
Me: OK I can get there with address.  Still in mtg.  Is Tim OK with us going?  I'm not going alone.  Should we call police to check on him?
Joe:  Yes.  We should probably go there.
Me: Can u wait for my mtg to finish?  (I feel so bad about this now.)
Joe:  Waiting is fine.  Give me heads up when done.  Trying to get in his computer.
Me:  Can IT "break into" it or do u have his password?
Joe:  In checking around computer Tim said u and I go.  Don't cause alarm and call cops yet.
Me:  We're almost done.  I'll text u when I'm in parking deck.

I picked up Joe and we drove about 45 minutes to Al's place.  Joe knocked on the door and got no answer at first, then he heard a thump.  He knocked more and yelled Al's name and said, "Open up!  It's Joe." More noises from inside.  More knocking and yelling through the door from Joe.  Finally, the door opened and there was Al, looking "like a zombie" (Joe's words) and a terrible odor was coming from inside.  Joe went in and tried opening the backdoor to let in fresh air while Al shuffled back to the couch and sat down.  Joe came back out front to get air and told me to call 911.  I looked inside and saw what looked like propane tanks for a gas grill, but they were red instead of the usual white.  Joe ducked back inside and opened a window, came back out and confirmed what I thought: Al was trying to kill himself.

I called 911 and gave them the address and what little I knew of the situation and then gave the phone to Joe.  Within a couple minutes, one police officer after another showed up, then the ambulance, and then the fire department.  Joe had gotten Al out of the house and he was now standing outside looking dazed, fully dressed like he was going to work but with a big bathrobe over it all.  His skin was a strange color and Joe said his eyes weren't really focusing.  I walked down the sidewalk and called Sally and Tim to fill them in.

We were there for the next hour or two, talking to the cops and lying to the neighbors that it must've been some sort of gas leak.  The firemen had gone inside and determined it was helium in the tanks and therefore, not explosive and not a danger to the other residents in the area.  Two detectives eventually arrived about when the police officers finally convinced Al to get on the stretcher to be taken to the hospital.  They almost had to handcuff him and force him to go.  One of the detectives went inside to take photos, while the other talked to us.

We told him that it was highly unusual for Al not to call and given that he'd been depressed, had been losing weight, lived alone, and we had no contact info for anyone nearby, we decided to drive out to check on him.  Although a suicide attempt was first on my list of possibilities, all kinds of thoughts had gone through my mind: car accident, heart attack or other sudden illness, a drop in blood sugar while on the stairs resulting in a fall and unconsciousness.  I kept trying to convince myself that something beyond his control had happened to Al, but my #1 guess was, unfortunately, correct.

Joe offered to go to the hospital with them but was told they'd be busy checking Al out physically and then waiting for his head to clear enough to talk to him.  We should just go home.  The detective took our names and numbers and gave his business card to Joe but we don't know what, if anything, they'll tell us.  We're not next of kin.  We're just coworkers.  We don't know if he contacted his mom before he did this.  She's also been depressed.  Did she do something to herself that prompted this?  The questions keep spinning through my head.  And the most important: What happens next?  What happens after he's released from acute care?  Even if they can convince him to go to a mental health facility (or send him there against his will because of the suicide attempt??), what happens when he's released from there and has to go home alone to his empty house?  Who will look out for him?  He's not married, doesn't have a girlfriend, and all his buddies are married with families of their own.  He has no family close by that we know of, just the mother and sibling 2,500 miles away.  What happens to someone in this situation?

So now we wait.  And worry.  And wonder what we could've done to prevent this.

*All names have been changed.